The Worst 4 Letter Word

We are excited to share this blog post with you. It is written by our dear friend and teammate, Mrs. Bethany Olden. 

Four letter words. You know the ones I’m talking about. When students speak them they make you hold your breath afraid of what’s to follow. (Or, let’s be honest, the ones that we often let zing through our minds at a frustrating moment hoping to high heaven that we didn’t just say that out loud!) Most of us have one in particular that we consider the “worst” one. The one that if a person you loved flung it in your direction the wound left by its razored edges would be deep. I’ll tell you mine, but before I do, you’d better get ready. Are you sitting down? Are the kids out of the room? I’ll give you a second to check.

Wait for it…..

Wait...no, seriously, that’s it. W. A. I. T. Isn’t it just awful?!

I have often talked with my coworkers about how this technology infused world has decreased our ability to wait patiently. Students want to just “know how to do it” instead of having to work hard and persevere through the wait of authentic learning. District and state officials want to see us getting those results NOW. (Weren’t we just being shaken up by the fact that if our test scores didn’t show enough growth that our pay could be reduced?)

What about us? We aren’t good at waiting either. Have you been locked out of your classroom and not allowed to start rearranging? Are you anxiously “waiting” for your class roster to be posted? Maybe you’re a mom who is desperate for your kid to just “grow out of this stage”! Or maybe, like me, the timeline you had so carefully planned for your family has been wrenched out of your control. Whatever your season, that awful 4 letter word is going to linger.

My question to you (and more importantly to myself) is WHY? If “wait” shows up in every season of life why do we keep trying to avoid her? I plunged head first into that question and didn’t like what I dug up. Three simple nuggets that together weigh me down...LOSS of CONTROL! When I’m told to wait, it feels like the words I have so carefully crafted have been erased by a haphazard pet paw pressing the computer’s delete button! All that’s left is an ominous blinking cursor that taunts me with fleeting thoughts of what I had intended. And space...all that blank space on the page. That’s because “wait” often presents herself as another unwelcome visitor, “starting over”.

Maybe you’re more “evolved” than I am and starting over doesn’t phase you. Well, good for you, but I’m over here wading through the debris of hopes deferred. This makes me think of a few lines from my all time favorite poem, If by Rudyard Kipling.

       “...If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

          And never breathe a word about your loss;”

That’s a big IF for me, and one that I must admit I have not begun to master. You see, I despise loss of control so much that I usually dive in trying to frantically control the bits of what I have left so that I don’t look like I am falling apart. Unfortunately, I often end up doing the very thing I set out NOT to do. I micromanage the mess out of the details to the point where everyone in my life is stressed and my “I got this” facade crumbles at the most embarrassing moment.

Last year was full of these moments for me. After a close scrape with death from blood clots on my lungs in June of 2016, recovery was going much slower than I had anticipated. It even got to the point where some people at the district level were pushing for me to not start the school year with my students. I dashed around putting on my best “I am fine” face and got doctors to approve my return. Control regained. Everything was going to be fine.

Yup, those were famous last words. Had I the foresight to see that last school year would have been the toughest in my 12 years of teaching I may not have pushed so hard to get back to normal. Nevertheless, I dove in and boy was I prepared for that first day of school! Hours upon hours setting up my room, planning with teammates, and staying up far too late to plan engaging and meaningful activities. But all of that was derailed that first day and I went home crying. Anyone who spent time around me those first few months could tell that my strategies were failing. I had worked myself into a whirlwind trying to force kids to comply and learn, but I couldn’t see that I was crumbling. Thanks to my amazing husband, and a lovingly honest teammate, the truth came out. I was depressed and having anxiety attacks that were crippling me.  

Reflecting on this past year I see that what I thought would have been torture for my teacher soul would honestly have been the best thing for me. Waiting...waiting to start the year until I had dealt with what happened personally. I didn’t wait and inevitably my students suffered. That breaks my heart to write that, but it’s true. I didn’t wait and it hurt the precious little lives that I am so passionate about helping. It hurt my team, and it hurt my loved ones.

So much has changed this past year, and thankfully I am healing physically and emotionally. Some of the changes have meant that original plans have been deleted, but that blinking cursor has turned into something more beautiful than I had ever intended. My husband and I are now on the road to adoption. Anyone who is involved with this process knows that it is full of WAIT. This dance has been different though. Instead of trying to micromanage her, I am learning to embrace “wait” as a friend. Sure, her friendship may be a little more silent and painful than I would like, but in lingering with her I have found peace. Peace that allows me to realize that my control was just an illusion.

So as I wait to work in my classroom, to see my roster, to be chosen to parent a child I already deeply love, I issue a challenge to us all. Don’t cringe when this 4 letter word invades your being. Instead, linger with “wait” and let go of the illusion of control. I promise, her aching silence will turn into beauty and her friendship, though tedious, will forge a better you.